According to a study by HouseMethod, couples like to have sex outside of their bedroom, in other rooms of their house. They quote some Cosmo articles about couples who have more spontaneous sex reporting more satisfying relationships.
I think lots of journalists, and even therapists, assume this means that sex should always be fun and spontaneous and the best places to have sex are places like the bathroom.
Another article on HuffPo claims spontaneity is necessary to keep a relationship from becoming monotonous.
Spontaneous sex can certainly be fun and exciting. But I worry. Does having sex in the bathroom or the laundry room really make your relationship better?
Is my sex advice to blame?
I’ve been guilty of writing these self-same kind of do-it-in-another-room kind of articles. Check out my old up-on-the-counter-move here in Woman’s Day.
But does this mean that my advice is that good sex means you have to come home and sweep the dishes off of the kitchen table and say “TAKE ME NOW!” in order for your relationship and your sex life to survive?
You Have to Make Time for Sex
I tell all my clients to plan a weekly sex date night. Not a date night — this is not the time to go out to a movie or dinner. I mean plan a stay-at-home-and-have-sex night.
Many people scoff at the idea that planned sex dates could go well.
But our lives these days are so full and hectic that it can be easy to let the erotic part of our relationships go. We are all tired and stressed. Let’s face it, sex is great, but it’s hard to make time for it. A sex date on the calendar can be something to look forward to.
Do you know how many people live in low-sex/no-sex marriages? Part of the reason for the lack of sex is the belief that desire should drive our sex life. Desire is affected by lack of sleep, stress, and not getting enough healthy food.
To hell with desire, I say. Try sex date night instead.
Anticipation is Just as Sexy as Spontaneity
Making time for a sex date and making that a priority every week can help keep passion alive. Anticipation can be just as titillating as spontaneity.
When you know something good is coming up (like a vacation or a movie you really want to see), you get excited when you think about it. Each day that brings you closer to that good thing heightens your enthusiasm. Longing for something is what makes it exciting.
The same can be true for sex, especially for women who often need a longer build-up to feel fully aroused. If you know sex date night is going to be on a Thursday, you and your partner can start anticipating the fun on Monday.
You can send each other teasing texts, you can plan which piece of lingerie you’ll wear, you can plan your adventures together and fantasize about each other while you’re apart.
The whole week can serve as a sexy build-up, so that by the time Thursday rolls around, you’re both revved up and ready to go.
Sex Can Be Spontaneous If You Plan It
You can build spontaneity into your schedule. How spontaneous you will be on sex date night will depend on how relaxed you are, how much you have planned for it, and how ready you are for a fun time.
Put some effort in. Don’t expect sex to just happen. That is a lazy way to look at your erotic life. Make your passionate life a priority.
Line up a babysitter. Buy some new clothes. Get the massage oil out. Shave.
Great sex is planned. Even if it’s in the kitchen.
Read more about Sex Dates here in my article on HuffPo, The Five Keys to Great Sex.