According to Ashley Madison’s recent survey, only 67% of both men and women said they felt comfortable telling their sexual fantasies to their spouse, while nearly all (95%) said they talked about their sexual fantasies with their affair partner. Most of the survey respondents also said they were more sexually adventurous with their affair partners and comfortable talking about sex during their affair.
It would make sense that to have a sexually fulfilling marriage or ongoing relationship with anyone, sharing fantasies and communicating about sex would be an important part of making things work.
If We Talk About Our Fantasies, Will We Lose Our Partner’s Respect?
We often worry that telling our partners what we really want or what we fantasize about will make them look at us differently. We’re afraid of losing the respect and affection of the person we love and have committed to.
It can sometimes feel safer to look outside the relationship for fulfillment, precisely because we aren’t worried about the risk of sharing our deepest desires with a new partner (at least at first).
Sharing Your Fantasies Can Actually Strengthen a Relationship
What many people don’t realize is that sharing fantasies can often re-ignite the passion in a long term relationship.
Most of us want to know how to please our partners and would be interested in hearing their fantasies, so that we know the secret to making them happy. But shame and embarrassment can keep both partners from breaking the sexual stalemate. It often requires taking a risk to open up, to share and be vulnerable.
When we do, we often find that intimacy grows deeper and our connection to our partner becomes stronger…even if we never enact any of our fantasies!
Once one partner opens up, the other usually feels safer doing so. You might discover that you’ve both been longing for the same thing.
Check out my book Getting the Sex You Want for more details on how to talk to your partner about your fantasies today. It’s easier than you think.
Originally published at drtammynelson.com on November 15, 2018.