What if there was nothing wrong with women who claim they have low sexual desire?
What if ‘low desire’ was not a problem that had to be fixed; not a medical issue, or something pathologically wrong with the way women function?
What if we are looking at women and desire all wrong?
What if most women would ultimately love to have more pleasure in their lives, but they’re just really busy and really tired?
Pleasure avoidance is a choice. Do you want to have sex but find you have limited energy and choose to focus on “more important” things?
That’s your choice. It’s not a disorder to spend your time on your family or a good book or bingeing on television. You don’t’ have a disease or a diagnosis. You’re making a decision, delegating your time on things that make you feel relaxed at the end of a busy — no, more likely, a crazy, insane, mind-numbing — day.
Desire resistance is not arousal dysfunction. Women are responsive sexual creatures. We feel desire as a result of being physically aroused. Desire comes after we’ve been turned on.
Do you know what I mean? Have you ever pushed through a night of exhaustion, enjoying the feeling of intimacy and good sex, even though you were super tired, and thought to yourself, “Wow, this feels great, why don’t I do this more often?”
Your pleasure is your power. It’s true you can’t pour from an empty pitcher. You need to rest before you can be present for pleasure. But shutting down because you’re tired may actually cut off your ability to experience your own healing. This cuts you off from your own power, your intuition, and your long term happiness.
It’s not about pushing through. Or leaning in. Don’t’ force yourself to have sex if you don’t feel like it. Power means making a choice, being in charge of your own desire.
Don’t diminish or postpone your pleasure. Be receptive to your own arousal by taking pleasure into your own hands. Let yourself experience your own pleasure.
Touch yourself often. Spread your fingers over your skin, touch your hair, play, using your own imagination. Allow all of your feelings, emotions, and erotic sensations. Have a date with yourself every day.
Unless you’re too tired.
In which case, take a nap.
Naps can be very pleasurable.
Tammy Nelson PhD is a Certified Sex and Relationship Therapist and the author of The New Monogamy. She is a TEDx speaker and the host of the podcast The Trouble with Sex. She can be found at www.drtammynelson.com