Ever wonder why your sex life is not doing well? It could be because of the pandemic. It could be the fact that you’re not getting out much. There could be a lot of reasons for a failing intimate life.
In my expert opinion as a certified sex therapist, I can tell you a bunch of reasons that your sexual intimacy is falling apart. Here are the top ten:
In my expert opinion as a certified sex therapist, I can tell you a bunch of reasons that your sexual intimacy is falling apart.
One: You’re watching too much porn. I have nothing against porn. In fact, I think it can do a lot of good in some cases. But if you’re wondering why you don’t have a lot of energy for your partner at the end of the day, take a look at your porn use. If you’re masturbating to porn you are siphoning off your sexual energy from the relationship and most likely not leaving a lot at the end of the day for your partner.
Two. Waiting till late at night to have sex. If you’re imagining that the end of the day is the time to do it, you’re probably wrong. Waiting till the last moments of the day means you are out of juice, you’re tired, and your partner is too. Don’t wait till you hit the finish line to try and get intimate. Plan on something earlier, maybe before dinner, or wait till the morning on a weekend. Give yourselves the time and attention your sex life deserves.
Three. Always let your partner initiate. Don’t assume that your partner is always up for the task. It's easy to get into a rut when you let one person take the reins and be in charge of initiating sex. Shake things up and take turns. Otherwise, you run the risk of waiting for the initiator to start things and if they’re tired or distracted then no one has any fun.
Four. Believing that the end goal is the male orgasm. Instead of focusing on the end zone, which we learn (from porn) is the male ejaculation, try instead to think instead about how much pleasure you can squeeze into a lovemaking session. Whether you are male on male or female on female or a group of more on more, pleasure should be your goal, not orgasm. Orgasm is a wonderful by-product of sex but shouldn't be the ultimate destination. Take the pressure off of both of you (or all of you) and just enjoy yourselves.
Five. You’re watching too much porn (again). Yes, porn can be a great arousal technique. But it doesn’t teach you the techniques you want to learn. It’s not the best example of women’s sexuality. Women, in general, need more lead time, they take a while to heat up, they need lubrication and they need clitoral stimulation. Porn doesn't always portray this realistic view of sex. Porn is ok for personal recreation but don't use it for your sexual education.
Six. Don't fall into the trap of living in your sweat pants. It might be comfortable to work from home all day in your cozy clothes but your partner needs to see you in shoes. Oh and brush your hair. Enough said.
Seven. Your date nights are on the couch. It’s important to have real date nights. Even if you’re not going out much these days, take the time to create date nights at home. Make dinner for each other, set the table, light candles, make it a special night. Wear shoes.
Eight. You think you can’t have sex unless you’re “in the mood.” Have sex. It's easy to fall into a rut when you’re bored and tired of each other. Keep up a regular sex life by keeping up a regular sex life. The more you have sex the more you will want sex. Focus on intimate time together. It will keep you connected and remind you why you're together in the first place.
Nine. Sex should always be mind-blowing. The truth is, sometimes it’s great, sometimes it’s just maintenance sex. That’s ok. If on a normal Tuesday you want to have nice, comforting roll-over sex and you’re both okay with it, then there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Go for it. Keep up the in-between sex so that every once in a while you can have all-out mind-blowing sessions. But don't expect every time to be that way. You’ll just disappoint yourselves.
Ten. If you stop having sex, your relationship is over. Most people have periods of time when their sex lives slow down or even dry up altogether. This doesn't necessarily mean your intimate life is shut down for life. Taking a break can be good for you both. Appreciate the down times, so that when things are hot again you can remember that life is full of ups and downs and when you drift apart you’ll know you can always come back together again.
Oh and that reminds me…here’s a bonus.
Eleven. You should always come together. NOT. Enjoy having separate orgasms. Watch your partner enjoy theirs, it’s part of the fun. You don't have to have simultaneous orgasms to make it magical. In fact, it's better if you can take turns.
Tammy Nelson Ph.D. is a certified sex and relationship therapist and a TEDx speaker and the host of the podcast The Trouble with Sex. She is the author of five books including Getting the Sex You Want and can be found at www.drtammynelson.com.